Some Random Reflections....

Cj is 7 months old today! I take a few moments every month, and thought I would share them with you: (Please remember these are MY reflections....)

Today I have been bf'ing for 7 months. This is a new experience for me, I didn't nurse my girls. I was determined to try with Cj. It does tie me down a little more than I would like, But I know I'm giving Cj everything good...Every month, I think, I made it this far, maybe I'll try another month.....I am resolving here and now, I am going to *try* to make it to one year. But I think I'm going to have a hard time weaning him even then.

My bond with Cj is alot stronger than I had with the girls. The girls would LOVE to play with Daddy, but not Cj. I mean, don't get me wrong, he does play with Daddy, but he prefers Mommy....I like being wanted and loved....

This time last year, I went thru the down's syndrome scare. Shortly after that, they told me something was wrong with his heart...My whole pregnancy was set on pins and needles....I am happy to say that i got a healthy little boy, for the most part. He had a slight murmer, but it's all but gone now. The ear infections, while stressful with all of the crying, drs visits and antibotics, were manageable...He got his surgery, and he's been healthy for the most part....

He's grown so much...He's got 4 teeth, sitting on his own, pulling himself up, laughing at peek a boo, crawling....although he drags his left side...But our ped put a call into EI again for us...

His sisters drive me nutty sometimes, but I love them too....

Piper is maturing, but still doing alot of things she shouldn't...par for the course, i guess...I wish we would finally figure out what makes her tick....It would be great to know how to deal with her sometimes....She is turning 7 soon....hard to believe....

Kryslyn is becoming quite the young lady....And all attitude along with it...Sometimes I just don't know how to deal with her either...she gets her feelings hurt so easily....She doesn't take no for an answer sometimes...I find it hard to believe that she's going to be 10 this year too!

Connie....she's a teenager before her time...all she wants to do is run, run, run....forget her chores, who wants to do them? Certainly not Connie...But I have to say, she is a good big sister, for all of the trials and tribulations we've gone thru with her...

I do have to say this though, they are good with Cj for the most part....Connie is really coming around, now that Cj plays a little more...I think she feels kinda left out sometimes, b/c Kryssie and Piper try to dominate Cj's time. Kryslyn and Piper get too rough with him sometimes and Pi surely doesn't know when enough is enough....I can't tell you how many times I have had to yell at her to leave Cj alone!

All in all, the kids are fine.

I wish I could say the same about my marriage. Corey and I have been together for so long...Sometimes I feel like we can't ever get along. We will be married for 10 years and I feel that he hasn't changed all that much...He still won't hold down a job, or if he has a job, it isn't one that is steady work....He still is VERY selfish.....(like NOT letting me sleep in, he watches what he wants to watch, plays what games he wants to play when he wants to....I wish I had that luxury) I don't know what else to say....I just know that I can't loose everything again....We did it 6 years ago, and I will not stand for it again.

The problems of this week have put a new prospective on life for me. Corey is never going to change. He's always going to work at a dead end job, he's not ever going to buck up and get a decent job and SUPPORT his family like he should. Just once, I'd like to pay the phone, cable, electric, gas, rent and our other bills and have money in the account left for animal food, things for the house, and food for us.... I sometimes wish I would have never let him move back in when we split up after loosing our house. That was one of the lowest times of my life, knowing that I could loose my kids because their father didn't want to pay the bills...things had gotten better but now.....*sigh*


He is trying to get a loan from his parents for us not to loose our house and can pay our bills, because he hasn't been working....it's just another bill...It's like robbing Peter to pay Paul.

The question is can I live with that? The answer? No. I can't. I can't keep risking my kids for him to be a little boy and not want to take responsibility.

Me? I am tired....tired of fighting with kids to get stuff done....tired of fighting about money...tired of being tired...I wish dh and the kids would make more time for chores and let me do my schoolwork...as of right now, I have 5 essay papers and 2 discussion board topics (plus some replies to other's posts) to do. I have been on the go for the most part all week...In fact, I'm going to cut this off here, because I should get cracking....Thanks for listening, if you got this far...